As promised on my About Page:
Five years ago I gave birth to my 8th child. My oldest was about to start his senior year, and our relationship was strained and confusing. I was terrified that as I brought another child into this world I was going to lose the relationships I had worked so hard to build with my older children.
My husband and I were both over-extended in our church community, running a homeschool group and participating in co-ops, running kids to activities, trying to pinch pennies and live on a teacher’s salary, create healthy meals on a budget, take care of 10 bodies,
and not drown in self-loathing.
Because no matter how many ways I tried to rearrange the schedule, get up early, sacrifice my health and well-being, plan the perfect everything, be there for my friends, say and do all the right things to be worthy at church, dance around my partner’s mood swings, manage my own mood swings, It was NEVER enough. Every day I went to bed fighting the feeling that there was more to be done than I could possibly do, and I was running on something less than fumes. Pure faith, survival, and willpower.
One late-summer day I found myself with a terrible sickness that was keeping me from my endless list of tasks to prepare for a new school year. I was praying to see if God could show me where else I was hiding resources that I could tap into to wring more out of myself.
What else do I have to give up?
I had sacrificed my time, my money, my body, my education, my career, my health, my sleep, all of my desires except to have this perfect family. I eagerly awaited the answer so I could add it to my checklist.
The answer was STOP.
That fall I spent a few hours each morning taking care of my children’s educational and nutritional needs and then I would go into my room.
AND DO WHATEVER I WANTED.
It felt terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. And surprisingly “productive”. I began to learn to take care of myself in new ways and trust myself that I could have things I enjoyed AND have a lovely family.
Funny thing: my family was actually happier because I was serving from a full cup instead of an empty one. I also wasn’t trying to control their every move from a space of fear that one of us wouldn’t measure up and that it would reflect on me.
I started to look at all of the many MANY things I was using to measure myself against. A whole army of idols became apparent to me. Perfect Mom, Perfect wife, perfect church member, ad nauseum.
As I started to shine my light, My OWN unique light, not the light others had told me how to shine, that light turned into a FIRE.
As I breathed into that fire, one by one, the programming and effigies I had been worshipping as a measure of safety and control in my life began to fall. That fall took me into a journey deep into the earthy darkness of my soul and cleared a path to a river of opportunity.
In the past three years, I have traveled a wonderful and accelerated path of growth, expansion, awareness, and love.
I started training in midwifery and finished my certification in record time, was able to assist nearly 200 families in the birthing process, opened a birth center, and ran a student midwifery program that hosted students from all over the world.
From there I delved into studying female anatomy and pleasure and the potential for healing and growth in the uncovering and releasing of sexual shame and trauma. I studied relationships and dissected my relationship with myself and others. I Invested time and money in myself: wonderful retreats, trainings, and experiences where I gained growth, knowledge and skill in the most efficient and effective ways and became connected to incredible people worldwide.
I purchased clothing that aligned with my own tastes and desires, food that was delicious and nourishing, experiences with friends that were “just for fun.”
I expanded my sexuality both going deeper and broader in scope as I learned the kind of power that is channelled through life force and pleasure. I learned to connect with myself and others in deeper and more meaningful ways. I learned to absolutely love my body and in the process lost 70lbs and discovered how much there is to experience with this wonderful flesh.
I upgraded our vehicles, leveled up my marriage multiple times, helped my children thrive and become more independent, and created an amazing circle of friends and allies that add so much richness and support to my life!
Now more than anything I want to share my story and my path as a guide to others on a journey to a life of love and ecstasy that most of us never dreamed was possible. Come uplevel your dreams with me!
I’m so excited to have you join me on this journey where we can learn to play and love in the deepest and darkest of places and take flight into the heights of love that are easily within reach in the discovery of the authentic you. I’ll be your guide on a journey to live BOLDLY, with integrity, courage, and love so the world can be blessed by your own unique expression of love, the medicine that you were meant to come here and serve.
2 thoughts on “My Story: 2020”
Wow. I absolutely loved reading this and seeing a tiny glimpse into your life. I’ve felt similar pressures and recently decided to seek change. I may reach out.
I hope you do! I’d love to hear what resonates.